


Metanoia

by Alice_Luna



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: F/M, I don't really know what to tag this, Not Beta Read, for kaneki, more of a character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 00:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19261843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alice_Luna/pseuds/Alice_Luna
Summary: The journey of changing one's mind, heart, self or way of life.Kaneki Ken didn’t understand what it meant to be loved.





	Metanoia

**Author's Note:**

> Since the end of Tokyo Ghoul, I really wanted to write something about Kaneki's journey throughout the series. If only I didn't randomly lose inspiration for this fic, then it would've been out earlier, but what can you do? I would also like to point out that while writing this, I didn't want to just focus on romantic love, but also familial love and friendship love. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy.

 

Kaneki Ken didn’t understand what it meant to be loved.

 

At a young age, all he had was his hardworking mother, his mother who devoted herself to others, his mother who would smile and cook him delicious meals, his mother who used her actions to express herself more than her words. His mother taught him so much from a young age. His mother showed him love through teaching him new words, cooking him delicious meals, and working hard so that he had school supplies and clothes on his back.

 

The only thing that he could do to repay her love was to be an obedient child, one who had good test scores, who ate all of the food on his plate, who didn’t fight back. So that’s what he did, because his mother was good to him and loved him so much.

 

But she showed her love to her sister in a slightly different way. It was also through hard work, but it was the through the money that hard work earned her.   

 

On the rare times where his mother had enough time to take a walk with him, she would say,  “Rather than a person who hurts others, become the person getting hurt. It’s alright to lose out with love and warm feelings, Ken,” while patting him gently on the head. “Do you understand?”

 

“Yes, Mom.”  

 

It was alright to be in pain as long as it was for someone you love.

 

* * *

 

_“Mommy, I’m sorry. I… I don’t need-”_

 

_Her grip tightened in response._

 

He’ll listen more.

 

_“I don’t need anything so…”_

 

After all, he needs to be an obedient child..

 

_“I don’t need it anymore. I’m sorry.”_

 

He loves his kind mother.

 

_“Don’t beat me…I won’t ask for anything. I’m sorry… I’m sorry…I’m sorry…”_

 

He wants his mother to love him back.

 

_SLAP!_

 

Though sometimes, he thought that his mother didn’t love him since actions speak louder than words. But he would quickly shake his head at such thoughts, because everything was alright. There was nothing wrong with his mother, it was just that he was being selfish. He must’ve been such a troublesome son to his wonderful, selfless mother. It’s alright for his arm to sting or for his back to bruise, he deserved it.

 

He loves his mother.

 

His mother is all he has. If he can’t receive love from her, then who would love him?

 

* * *

 

When his mother died, his world fell apart.

 

“Ken-kun, I’m going to adopt you. I only have one child as well, so I’m sure if you’re around to play with him, Yuuichi will be really happy~”

 

He tried to make this house his new home.

 

He really tried.

 

“And why do I have to take care of a child that’s not even mine in the first place?”

 

At some point, everything fell apart. He knew that this ‘family’ was nothing more than something written on paper. It was always hard to eat by himself, but it hurt more now that he could clearly hear a loud and cheerful family just in the other room.

 

But even in darkness, there was still light.

 

The door of the library slammed open,  “Kaneki!”

 

He looked up from his book to see a head of dyed hair and lightly scolded the teen, “Hide, you’re supposed to be quiet in the library.”

 

Hide gave him a cheeky smile before continuing to shout, “Aw, come on man! We’re the only ones in here. More importantly let’s go get hamburgers! I’m starving!”

 

Ken smiled, “Yeah!”

 

Hide was the only home that he had for a long time. Hide was there when his mother died. Hide was there when no one else wanted him. Hide talked with him, ate with him, and listened when needed.  He was the only thing weighing him towards sanity.

 

Ken doesn’t really know how he loves Hide, because it’s so much more than just a friend, but it’s not like family.

 

All he knows is that he wants Hide to be with him. He wants to talk with Hide about nothing and everything. He wants to be with Hide even when in silence, because his presence is so comfortable.

 

But nothing stays the same.

 

That’s why he pushed Hide away, in hopes that he could be safe from his hunger, safe from the ghoul world. Even though he was sometimes consumed by that loneliness, he was happy knowing that Hide was safe. But he was also afraid, afraid that Hide would grow to hate him after realizing how inhuman he’s become.

 

He didn’t want Hide to hate him.

 

* * *

 

“If your mother loved you, she should have chosen you and let her stupid sister go. You think so to, don’t you?”

 

The whispers seeped deeper in his mind.

 

That’s right, she left.

 

If she loved him, she wouldn’t have left!

 

Sorrow struck at his core once more. HOw?

 

HOw CaN It sToP?!

 

How can he stop having people precious to him be taken away?! How can  he protect what’s his? His place? How can he make sure that nothing has to disappear again?!  

 

“Mom…I miss you…I hate being alone…”

 

Even though she wasn’t a good mother, she was still his entire world.  

 

“I wish… I wish you chose me!”

 

So why did she leave him alone?

 

“I wished you would have lived… for me!”

 

“Even if you two had to watch your aunt die without helping her?”

 

“EVEN IF SHE DIED WITHOUT OUR HELP!”

 

That nasty woman didn’t deserve any help!

 

Why did his mother help her?! Why did she have to go and wither away for the sake of others? Why did she decide that her reputation with them was more important than her only son? Why did she abandon him?!  

 

Rize smiled. “... Good boy.”

 

Hurt over hurting others. His mother’s own ideals destroyed her. And if he continues following his mother, he’ll just continue to lose what’s important to him now. He’ll lose Hide, he’ll lose everyone at Anteiku…

 

_“I won’t let that happen.”_

 

He just had to get rid of the bad beans…He needs to get rid of the bad beans if he wants peace. Even if that means he’ll lose himself, he needs to embrace his power, he needs to stop wanting to do right by everyone and do right by him.

 

His loved ones deserve to be happy. They shouldn’t have to suffer anymore.

 

That’s why he needs to eat away at his weakness.

 

That’s the only way that he can live as a ghoul.  

 

So the moment that Yamori returned, he ate.

 

The blood dripped down his chin as he stated, “... It certainly does taste horrible. It tastes like the guts of a half-rotten fish.”

 

He broke the chair and rushed to attack. He needs to move quicker, with more force, he needs to  eat more!

 

“You bastard.” Yamori grunted out as  he tried to defend himself, “So you were trying to eat me, huh?!”  

 

“Is that wrong?”  

 

Yamori stopped as he felt another open wound dripping out with blood. “You brat. You ate more of me…”

 

“...You were about to eat me,” he stated as the taste settled down on his tongue. Ah, so nasty! The other ghoul tastes so nasty, but he needed to keep eating! “So even if you’re eaten by me, it can’t be helped, right?  

 

“HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? YOU FUCKING TRASH, THE STRONG ARE THE ONES WHO EAT. THAT’S ME. ALL ME!!!” Yamori shouted as he grabbed at Ken again. Yamori managed to grab his leg, but it’s useless.  “Dumbass, I’m not going to let go even if your leg breaks.”

 

The only way he can protect everyone is if he survives this. The only way he can survive is if he uses Rize’s power, if he abandons the person his mother wanted him to be. That’s the only way he can win!  

 

“I don’t care if it breaks.” He twisted around, hearing the loud crack that his leg produced, but it doesn’t hurt, compared to what he’s been though, this was nothing! “Did you think that kind of pain would hurt now?”

 

He understands now, if you love someone, you should be willing to hurt others for their sake. You can’t be kind, you can’t go along with everyone in order to protect what you cherish. So for the sake of those important to him, he’ll correct this wrapped world and all the things in it.

 

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU, KILL YOU,  KILL YOUR KILL YOU… AND EAT YOU SLOWLY… I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU AND EAT YOU!!!!”

 

No matter what the cost.

 

So he smiled menacingly and put his thumb on his middle finger.

 

“Hmph. What a bother.”

 

_Crack!_

 

* * *

 

Kaneki Ken thought he understood what it meant to love, he really thought he did.

 

He thought it meant becoming a shield. He thought that dying for someone was the best way to show his love. He thought that as long as his life was used for the sake of others, then it would be fine, then people would love him and remember him like that, just as he remembered his mother.  

 

But that was wrong.

 

_“What you want is nothing more than self-satisfaction.”_

 

Self-satisfaction isn’t love.

 

It’s just his justification for death.

 

He was never a shield, only a sacrifice.  A sacrifice like this will receive no admiration or love.

 

If that’s the case, then how can he get people to love him?

 

* * *

 

Sasaki Haise wanted to understand how love works, he wanted someone to love him regardless of the person he used to be.  Haise thought that if he was kind, hardworking, smiling, with a good sense of humor, then he should be loved by someone right?  But it’s so much harder than it seems since the past always looms over his head.

 

Especially when the people at CCG gave him _those_ kinds of looks...

 

“Maman? Let’s go home!”

 

Haise smiled widely, “What do you kids want to eat tonight?”

 

“Hamburgers!” Saiko declared.  

 

“Y’know Sassan, we’re not that much younger than you,” Shizaru pointed out. “You can drop it with the whole ‘kid’ stuff.”

 

“I know, but I do it just because I want to.” Since this is the closest thing that _he’ll_ get to a family. “Does it bother you?”

 

“Nah. But if you start calling us kids all the time, then Uribo will get mad.”

 

“I suppose that’s true.”  Haise smiled gently, “Come on, let’s go home.”

 

Haise may not know much about how other people love, but he knows that he loves this little family enough to want to protect it with everything he has. Even if he has to disappear at some point, he wants to remember what they all meant to him.

 

Haise Sasaki thought that in order to love and be loved, all he needed to do was show affection, be kind to those around him, and follow the roles given to him. If he did that, then people were more likely to love him.

 

At the very least, he could delude himself into thinking that he was loved, despite the sins that he had committed, despite being a disgusting monster.

 

* * *

 

At some point Haise realizes:

 

Love is a complicated thing.

 

He wanted to remain as him, as Haise. The Haise that isn’t always seen as a ghoul. The Haise that can smile and crack lame jokes. The Haise has a _family_ , has a place to _belong_. For that, he needs to remain faithful to the CCG, otherwise he will be decommissioned.  

 

But he can’t escape the past him, the one they called the Masked Ghoul. He can’t escape Kaneki Ken’s actions, his mistakes, his relationships. Even if Haise doesn’t remember, others remember Kaneki Ken. They remember him, they miss him, they loved him.

 

He can’t forget his past sins. and the present can’t forget Kaneki Ken. But Sasaki Haise is not Kaneki Ken.

 

Between his duties and his past, he wanted there to be an easier option where he could keep both.  

 

“Did…I want to die?”

“Yes.”  The little boy smiled faintly. “Definitely. That why I…” But the little boy stopped in his thoughts. “This time… Make sure to do something that will allow you to be loved by everyone.” His expression turned sour, as though he had been longing for that, for love. “A good thing, a bad thing, it doesn’t matter. And after that, you see, I want to die in style!”    

 

Haise couldn’t help but feel sorry for the boy.

 

“...Will that be your salvation?” he whispered.

 

Is salvation knowing that even if you’re dead, you’re loved? Is being loved more important than life itself? Was Kaneki Ken so starved for love that he was willing to let everything go?

 

The little boy looked in the distance and smiled widely.  “Yes!”

 

“What...What do you mean?”  he asked. Yet he (Haise) understood far too well. Wanting to be accepted. Wanting to love and be loved.

 

He understood far too well.

 

“So.” The boy looked at him as serious as ever, “Can you manage it?”

 

As Sasaki Haise, he wants to be happy with the makeshift family he has. But… Isn’t it just a lie? A sweet dream that he came up with, a soft delusion that he desperately wanted to see as reality. At some point it will break down, then what will be left of him (Sasaki Haise)?

 

He wanted to be loved more than anything else.

 

Kaneki Ken.

 

Sasaki Haise.

 

Does it matter?

 

Does it matter who he is as long as he’s loved?

 

“Yes.”

 

So he’ll give up this body.

 

For the sake of being needed.

 

“Goodnight Haise.”

 

* * *

 

He guesses he’s done…

 

IT’SFINALLYOVER!

 

“Oi. Not yet,” a hand grabbed him from the darkness.

 

Who could-? His eyes went wide as he recognized the hand. “...”  

 

“You’re definitely not ‘done here’, stupid!”

 

“Hide…” He’s here, he’s actually here…

 

“That’s enough, so get  up from there,” he insisted as he easily pulled Ken up.  “And put some clothes one. Why’re you naked? I don’t wanna see that!”  

 

“Ah… Sorry.”  

 

Why now? Why did Hide have to come now? But… Even as Hide scolded him for his decisions, Ken just stared at him in wonderment. He wanted to smile, he really did, since it’s been so long since he’s seen Hide, but he couldn’t help but feel sadness overwhelm him.

 

“Hide... “ he called out as tears streamed down his face, “You know… I… I’m so lonely without you.”

 

Hide huffed out a smile. “What’re you, a rabbit? You keep ramblin’ on how you want to die, but you just haven’t found a reason to life yet.”  

 

“But you’ll find it soon enough,” he assured, “Don’t throw away that life you just put back together. There are still people waiting for you. You can walk right?”

 

Ken nodded before standing up. The two of them walked in silence. Just like before. Hide always walked faster, but he would always be close enough that they could still talk to each other. Even if Hide wasn’t always looking straight at him, Hide was always looking out for him.     

 

“Kaneki. ‘I want to die for someone in style’, was that  it?” Hide continued to smile widely as though nothing that fate had in store could stop him, “Idiot. At that time, I was actually thinking, I want to live on with you. I’ll keep repeating it until you hear it. It may not be stylish, but live.”

 

“Ok…”

 

So that’s how he’ll love Hide.

 

He’ll live.

 

No matter how painful it is.

 

No matter how many difficult choices he has to decide.

 

No matter how many mistakes he’ll make.

 

He’ll live.

 

* * *

 

 _“Kaneki!”_ she gasped out.

 

He wanted to hear more. How? How should he give her more pleasure? How can he make her happy?

 

She was so warm and soft, he never knew that another person’s body could be like this. He craved that softness, that _warmth._  

 

More!

 

He wanted more.

 

More!

 

He wanted to give more love than he knew how to. He wanted to receive more love than he’s ever known. Her body, her heart, her devotion…She shouldn’t have given him all of this when he’s left her waiting for so long. But he’s too far gone to let her go now.

 

_Oh God, she’s beautiful._

 

“Why are you crying?” she asked softly as a beautiful smile emerged on her face.

 

Because he'd never thought that he would get this far.

 

Because he thought that no one would truly love him.

 

Because he was so happy that words would never be enough to express how he felt in that very moment.

 

* * *

 

“Do you hate me?”

 

Rationally speaking, he should  hate Rize and her entire existence for everything that he’s been through. Because at the end of the day, it’s because of her that he’s gone through experiments that have pushed his body to a point of no return, torture that he still has nightmares about, and whatever else came with him being a half ghoul (discrimination, hurting Hide, an additional scoop of self hatred). So he should hate her but…

 

She’s also the reason why he met everyone at Anteiku.  

 

The reason why he met Touka.

 

The reason why he was able to be at the CCG and create that little family.

 

Meeting her was the starting point of everything.

 

“Ah. I see…” Even though it was  painful, “I’ve found happiness in my life.”  

 

And somehow, that made everything worth it. Because the people in his life now, had become an irreplaceable treasure to him. And he doesn’t want to leave them like this.

 

“Are you going?” He stared back at her as she asked, “Can you wade through the sea of blood and ignore your sins?”

 

He’s already made his decision. So he jumps straight in.

 

* * *

 

There were many times where Kaneki Ken thought that he understood how to show people that he loved them in return, he thought he knew.  

 

But he was wrong.

 

To love someone is to support them, whether from the shadows or right in front of them.  

 

To protect the ones you love is to fight for them and with them, but not sacrifice yourself for them.  

 

To show love for someone is to live for them no matter what kind of challenges try to strike you down, no matter what kind of sins you’ve committed.

 

It’s such a selfish thing to live and love, isn’t it?

 

His daughter pulled at his hand as she shouted,“Mama, Papa! Look, look!”

 

He smiled.

 

“Yeah. The weather’s so nice today.”  

 


End file.
